Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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