Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
He shit in the fireplace
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
