Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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