I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
