Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
