i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
