Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
The convent might be a nice break from real life
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
