I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
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