I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
