I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
