my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
