they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
