at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
