my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
