i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
