i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
