So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
