Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
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