Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
