I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
home. puking in laundry basket.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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