Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
