My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
