my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Come on in and take your pants off
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