Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize