Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
