i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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