dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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