Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
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