Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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