I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
