She went from zero to smokin in five shots
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
