you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
