just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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