upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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