I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
