so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize
