upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
