Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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