I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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