ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize