his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
whose parrot is this?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
