I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
from now on my penis is your penis
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
