Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
