I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
