the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
it hurts more in the daytime
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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