dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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