oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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