Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
