I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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