I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
